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Embers and Ashes

 

This is my place where I refuse to hide.  I “tell it like it is” and exactly as I feel.  Now, I have had my heart broken but I don’t remember it being this way.  Yeah, I thought of him after it was over and I wondered if he was better off; i even sometimes hoped he wasn’t – just being honest.  

But this “relationship” was different…This thing that wasn’t even a relationship continues to tease me.  It’s haunting and everpresent.  It’s the sound you think you hear, and the shadow you are not sure you saw.  This “thing” is binding; a soul tie.  You ever had that before?  I would tell you not to, but that would not be fair, so I’ll just say proceed with caution.  I’m not sure if it happens once in a blue moon or even how to break it.  I am sure that when I figure it all out, I will write about it 🙂 

Embers and Ashes

Sometimes I remember

Then I’m stuck in a daze

Of what my heart used to feel

And what my mind won’t erase

Sometimes I feel it

Though it’s been so long

It’s as close as yesterday

And more right than wrong

I hate that I remember

But I’m afraid to forget

I say give it up and move on

Then say wait and not yet

I try to ignore it

I build walls to hide

From the tragedy of love

Where love can’t abide

But in the quiet, in the music

In whatever I do

I come back to our place

When I remember you

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I Got This

It has been a while!  It can be so hard to write when you are filled with distractions!  So much has changed since I was “Smitten”…but that’s another story and another poem.  I always complain that I want people to keep it “100” with me, and I truly feel that way.  Lately, I have struggled with just how “100” I haven’t been with myself! Well, I have a confession to make, folks.   I haven’t exactly made choices that were in my best interest.  Most times, I ignored the inevitable outcomes; I just enjoyed the moment.  As a result, I have had some wonderful moments, some horrible disappointments, some major loves and some tougher heart breaks.  I would never begin to dictate to anyone the art of decision making, after all, your experiences make you who you become.  Bottom line, unless you are being forced, YOU have the power to invite the negative/ positive, drama/peace, love/hate, etc. into your atmosphere.  YOU are responsible.  Be aware of what and why you are allowing these things access to your heart.  Its the only way to keep it “100” with the person most important to your survival.  Learn your lessons and enjoy your journey… Love La

Fate is not responsible

Luck gets no gain

You have not had the last say

I take my share of blame

Selfish and lacking integrity

Explains why you don’t care

But I won’t let you hold me hostage

I’ll gladly take it from here

So you say you’ve found the one 

then honestly what am I for?

You say we’re just friends

Tell me, are you sure?

No need to answer the question

I’ll make my answer clear

I’m not second and I’m not waiting

So I’ll just take it from here

I could blame my present pain

Or my past, filled with misuse

I could keep fighting with anger

Or finally call a truce

I could face the pain I keep hiding

Stop pretending that I don’t care

Bring awareness to myself

So I can finally take it from here

No longer shackled to my past

I’m setting myself free

You’re responsible for your actions

I’m responsible for me

No anthems against “bad men”

Simply calling out my own fear

Declaring myself worthy

To stand up and take it from here… 

Smitten

At the request of a friend, I’m going to take a moment to write about something a little more unfamiliar in my writing.  Yall know I can write pages and pages on the trials that have occurred in my life.  In fact, most of the poetry written on here was in some place of sadness or struggle. I must admit I find it more difficult to write about the good.  One, it never stays that way.  Two, it is often viewed as personal failure when it doesn’t.  I’m thinking that maybe we see it as failure, when we should just see it.  Sometimes life hands you a fairytale and sometimes it’s a nightmare.  Whatever it is, it’s your moment.  I hope to capture those moments, good and bad and bottle them forever through my poetry.  This is a good one guys!  I hope you enjoy it:

You know that moment when you meet someone and it seems to just fall in place?  When it seems like you just “click”?  That moment that feels like the stars have all aligned, that movie moment, those times – no matter how short or long lived, you never wanna forget it happened.  Your girl had one of those and I thought I would share it with you.  Thank you to that special someone who inspired this poem ❤

Smitten

From the first conversation I knew he was trouble

cause I talked on the phone too long

and the first time I saw him I knew I would want him

at first sight I was already gone

 Not big on romance or love at first sight

but I will tell you this

I fell for his eyes, his laugh and his smile

and sealed it with his kiss

Now I dont know what you look for in a man

but lemme tell you about this guy

when he held my hand, I lost my chance

to walk away or say goodbye

 Trying to figure what it is about this man

the game has changed, the rules unwritten

right now as it stands, im his number one fan

I’m blushin, I’m gigglin….. I’m smitten 

Those Things

This  week I had been entertaining this thought process about closing the door on several things of my past.  I thought about how often we say “When one door closes another opens” or “sometimes God closes one door….”.  I  found myself in a frame of mind where it didn’t appear that God was closing my doors.  They no doubtedly needed to be closed, but it wasn’t the forced closure that I am used to.  I almost felt as if the general consensus was that this time “I” had to close the door myself.  I was reminded of how much more care children take of gifts when they have to pay for them on their own.  When assisting them with schoolwork,  we know the answers but we let them work the process – or they never get the lesson.  There are things..habits, people, hurts etc., that we may have a need to close the door on.  If you are wondering why maybe it still keeps running across your path, consider that this may be your time for empowerment!  This may be your opportunity to own your lesson after the trial and errors.  This may be your opportunity to treasure your reward after the personal investment you have made.  God may not be closing the door because it is time for you to accept your responsibility and take a stand for your destiny.  Hear that resounding sound a door closeing behind you.  Feel no fear of future; dont look back into that old space for what you may have left behind.  Let old things..”those things” pass away and take your opportunity to become new.

Happy New Years!

A Poem from HoLa

I walked in a room that was filled with some things

Some things that I thought I would need

Don’t know if I was prepared for the stuff that was there

So caught up, I didn’t want to leave

The time did pass and soon it grew cold

Grew cold on the things I couldn’t resist

They became habits and hurts, ill thoughts and cross works

Where good could not longer exist

I walked out of the room and waited for the door

For the door to gently close behind

Yet the door didn’t move, for it purposed to prove

that this task would have to be mine

 I stood in fear, remembering what was there

If I’d left something ,would it catch my eye?

I firmly grabbed the door and told myself once more

No matter what, it was time to say goodbye

Dear heart come away from that place where you’ve stayed

That place you no longer need to be in

Leave those things where they are, close that door in your heart

And give way for your change to begin.

Goodbye Love

 It’s rare that you get the opportunity to close a chapter in your life for a second time.  My past entries show how I struggled to let go of love as well as the regret and pain that came with it.  I wanted it badly, yall.  All hell, why don’t I just be honest, I wanted it with all that I am.  I would have given ALMOST anything to rewrite history with this one.  To ride off into the sunset and have what I felt was my happily ever after.  In the past, I did everything and anything for love.  I lost a lot the first time and this time the stakes were just too high. I am thankful for the opportunity to heal my hurt, mend a fence and say goodbye the way I wanted to before.   Although the ending remained exactly that, the end, I am walking away truly satisfied in the way I handled myself, my emotions and my heart.  So it is with a bittersweet smile and the most of confident of heart, I say to you (and you know who you are) Goodbye Love.

A Poem From HoLa

This time it won’t change me

I won’t let you break me

I did not give you all I had

This time I had my guard up

I did not put my heart up

So this time just don’t hurt as bad

This time I was wiser

And though I couldn’t have been nicer

This time I just wasn’t blind

Last time it was true love

This time u just blew love

Yet this time, I saw the sign

This time I knew better than

To ever really let you in

This time I knew it was a lie

This time I won’t cry love

 I’ll just say goodbye love

Cuz  this time was our last try

Thanks and Thunderstorms

Whenever I feel like my situation is more than I can handle, if I just keep pushing I soon see where I have made it through yet another trial.  So today it began to storm. My sister and I watched as the clouds darkened, the thunder rolled and the hail began to fall.  Instead of turning off the lights, unplugging the tv and hiding, we danced.  Yes, it was cold and we had no idea what was gonna happen as we stood there laughing.  In that moment, I saw my personal circumstances and was relieved.  There isn’t a time limit on our troubles.  Majority of the time, we can’t even see the end result.  The focus can not be either of those things (time or ending) if you want to overcome.  Dancing didn’t make it any less rain, it made it less of a storm.  Have a good time in your life, no one can live it and learn from it the way that you will. And thanks Moni.

A Poem from HoLa

Thank you for my mishaps, thank you for my pain

I say thank you to my storms as I dance in the rain.

I once focused on your heavy pour, once focused on your wind

Now I realize that because of  you, my opportunities are new again

Fight or flight to our fear, is how we all react

Sometimes we just stand in confusion when life is on the attack

But every part of your life is sequenced, at least what I believe

That which is mine to have, in time, His time, I will recieve

So until I see my destiny or allow this journey to drive me insane

I will learn to enjoy the still of my storm and take a moment to dance in the rain

My Naked Truth

So it’s been said that friends should never be lovers.  That being lovers ruins friendships.  That one of these things, friendship or love, will not survive the process. It seems to me that the only way to know the answer to that is to have lived it.  I have been there and it was beautiful….while it lasted.  Once again, my details are irrelavant.  I will say this.  When you love your friend, the love always survives.  The love is what brought you together.  It acts as the foundation, the friendship as the the structural building.  Lifes “tornadoes” make knock down the building but the foundation remains.  After reviewing the damage, adding up the costs, you decide whether the structure is worth rebuilding.  Sometimes it isn’t.  I continue to weigh the damage to our structure. I have not decided whether rebuilding is the answer, however, I hope he knows our foundation was strong. 

 

A Poem from HoLa

A bond that only exists between me and you

A love most amazing and so much we fought through

I had to let go and so did you

But always know, I didn’t want to

A lifetime I waited to know how it feels

To say that I found it, to say it was real

I said it then and I say it still

I know that I found it, I know it was real

We share a whisper that only we understand

You hold my heart if not my hand

Life will go on, I will love again

But never the way that I loved my friend

Let It Go

Letting go is truly hard to do.  It means that you are no longer in control.  We want to control our surroundings, the way things begin, the way things end and all the in between.  No matter what the circumstances are when you let go, it’s out of your hands.  There is a paralyzing fear that comes with that realization.  I am here to remind that if you can push past that fear, there is an amazing freedom on the other side.  My journey is teaching me that letting go takes less effort than holding on.  I encourage you to know what you’re holding onto in your life.  When you do, then you can decide if it’s time to let it go.  

A Poem from HoLa

I fought so hard for what I thought could be

Held on so tight I could barely breathe

Entangled so tightly til there was no me

Could not be convinced to let it go

I wanted it to work when it no longer did

I smiled outside, inside my true feelings hid

Gave everything I had, have nothing left to give

But I still could not let it go

The words that they spoke are boldly untrue ‘

Protect and correct is what I expected of you

Yet I tried desperately to undo what I let you do

I was just too afraid to let it go

I screamed and I cried as I sat in that chair

The hand I was dealt just wasn’t fair

As she stearnly spoke saying, “Why do you care!”

“Honey, it’s time to let it go”

So today I look past the overwhelming fear

I know that it’s time to move on from here

To a bright future and big dreams that await me there

Starting the moment I let it go

Sometimes you wake up and wonder who is the person staring back at you in the mirror. Maybe you are in a bad relationship or a dead end career. Whatever the situation, you wonder when, where, how, why and what got you to this point. I found myself having this moment. I found myself feeling vulnerable and hoodwinked. When I took a moment of self-inventory, I found that my true enemy was myself. No matter what others say or do, i never have to join in. I made my own choices that brought me to a moment where the person in the mirror was not the woman I claimed to be. The details for my mirror moment are irrelevant. The point is that we all must take a moment to look at ourselves every so often and inquire inwardly if the paths we have chosen are truly the paths that were intended for us. Even the “boss” can be duped, the “lady” can be wrong and the “crowd” can be swayed. The good thing is that new choices are possible, new paths await and change is right around the corner for those willing to meet themselves in the mirror.

A Poem from HoLa 

I woke up this morning feeling truly dismayed

By the girl that I saw and was more than afraid

Of the level of destruction she was willing to tred

In the war that was raging in her heart and her head

Far removed from the days of fights and cross words

I had stumbled upon the old me who needed to be heard

A woman, educated and mature, in just one day

Returned to a girl with childish ways

I walked to the mirror cause I just had to see.

 And talk this girl that had spoken for me

For awhile we conversed, screamed and cried

 Til I was able to peacefully lay her aside

 I promised to guard her and as a reminder

 Wear the lesson on my heart, the place where I find her

And come sit in silence and make sure that I see

A woman in the mirror loving the girl in me.

 Hello, I am La.  It is my sincere hope that men and women alike read my blogs and find some humor, encouragement and even insight. It’s been a long journey for me and I have a lot to say.